o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize