Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
