I wish I could teleport
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize