Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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