Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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