I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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