Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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