why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
