He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
