im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
