I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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