I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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