my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
