Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
