Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize