Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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