Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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