I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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