4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
we should paint friendship bongs
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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