i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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