She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
