Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
