dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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