I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
