ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
