i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
