He asked me if I "almost moaned"
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Randomize
