Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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