I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize