you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I lost the right to judge tonight
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
