if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
