like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
