when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
