Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
You left your phone here
Wait...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
