I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
