my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize