if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize