i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
