proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
