My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
