You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
