so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Your topless pictures make me question reality
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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