My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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