Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
