I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
