People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I need a beard to bite.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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