Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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