I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
