I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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