When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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