I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
