I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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