Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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