What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
